Oriental Medicine

After finding my Korean-Western hybrid doctor incompetent and deciding to forego that BS, my boss convinced me to go to the Oriental hospital, which is right next to the clinic I went to for my neverending colds and allergies and such. There are like a million hospitals around here.

I was hesitant to go to this Oriental hospital because I know that guys are all into the acupuncture. I went to acupuncture in LA and was treated by an acupuncturist who came very highly recommended (although he was white, booooo). Let me tell, you I've never had a worse medical experience, and probably the only other experience worse than that acupuncture was incurring the herniated cervical disc that the acupuncture was trying to cure. I went five times. The first time it wasn't so bad, but each time after that got steadily worse, until I was crying from the pain each time one of the maaany needles went in. I still have nightmares (not really).

Anyway, Heather told me I didn't have to do acupuncture (liar), but the doctor could just feel me up (not her words) and be able to tell what was wrong. So I went. He did feel me up, and told me (well, Heather, since he doesn't speak English) that the problems in my arms and legs are not the same problem. How bizarre. The symptoms and time of onset are the same...

He said the problem with my elbow is like tennis elbow, but clearly not tennis elbow, since that's accompanied by pain, and all I get is numbness. Heather couldn't explain the problem with my legs in English (could he in Korean?), but she eventually told me something like my legs are retaining water. When you push down on my skin, the skin stays indented for a long time. That's not normal? So she says it's not the fat in my legs that's keeping the impression there, but water. I don't get it.

I agreed to be treated both from desperation and curiosity about the experience. The doctor said it's a damn good thing I got to him when I did. They can't cure this in the US. I had to see him three times a week for at least two weeks. Here is the regimen:

1) Acupuncture for fifteen minutes. Three to four needles in my forearms and three to six needles in my calves. This was significantly less than what LA acupuncturist was putting in me, so it was much better (although sometimes a bit jarring). Clips were attached to several of the needles and electricity was run through me. I was not a fan of this. Sometimes the electicity increased, so much that my hands would start jumping around. No one speaks any English around there, and it was really hard to communicate what amount of electricity was right to begin with, and which part of me was getting too much later.

2) As at the other hospital, suction cups were attached to my arms (but also to my legs this time), and electricity again was passed through me for fifteen minutes. Those suction cups leave wicked marks.

3) Now begins the fun part. After electricity, I turned around and put my ankles on this machine with like ankle stirrups and my legs got shaken for five minutes.

4) Another five minutes in the massage chair, like the ones at Brookstone. This thing was heavy-duty. I really felt like someone was pounding and kneading my back. No wonder they're so expensive.

5) At home, I had to take three doses a day of what is probably the nastiest medicine ever created. It was really terrible. And expensive. I'm too embarassed to say how much I paid for it, so don't let the curiosity burn deep within you. I seem to have gotten a free nylong bag out of the deal, though.

Here's the medicine and medicine bag:

I had to boil the medicine, let it cool, and drink it a half hour after eating. I'm really not sure if I had to boil it to make it work, or if I was boiling it to make it less nonpalatable. I did notice it was better when hot than when cold. I had to drink it cold at work, and boil it before I went in. Yuck. A lot of my students knew exactly what it was and told me about their experiences with it. Funny.

The result? After two weeks of all that, the doctor told Heather I wasn't cured (he showed her the pushing in my skin trick), because Western people's skin is thinner than Asian people's skin. I'd have to do another two weeks, or more. Screw that. I thought I felt better for like two days at the end of the treatment, but I think that was just coincidence. As long as I don't sit still too long or put weight on my body, my limbs don't fall asleep. I may just not have been exposing myself to unfavorable conditions during those two days.

Heather "leally" wants me to go back, because she thinks American doctors actually can't fix me. She's going to try and see if she can get a discount on the medicine. We'll see how that goes.